D Pressing News Flashes

D Pressing News Staff (gigitty) Members (gigitty) Publish Major Controversial Literary Works

2012-01-24T22:32:00.000-08:00

By Andy Ashling--D Pressing News Staff Reporter

Our CEO and Chief Editor, Dennis Fleming, has just published a paperback book (Feb 10, 2012) for one of our most talented "behind the scenes" writers here at the DPN, Dennis Patrick Fleming. The book, The Girl Who Had No Enemies (and the MaN WhO HaTeD WoMen) is a what we're calling here a literary true crime memoir thriller.

This generous man, Mr. Fleming, has also edited my new serial memoir The Sex Life of Andy Ashling and the first two episodes (clean & dirty) and (the police chief daughter's a liar) are already available in Kindle e-books. Dennis is a great editor, easy to work with, but demanding of high literary standards. He's making me a better writer.

You see, we here at the D Press think we can ride the wave of the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo books and films, including the U.S. remake of the Swedish (near) masterpiece. And as for my book, I mean sexual curiosity, sexual play, masturbation, sex with women, more sex and some liberally added sex will sell too.

We never said we were perfect. Just look at our banner.

Zwearickian Art at SO HOT Gallery Mind Blowing

2012-01-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

By Andy Ashling, D Pressing News Special Reporter

To avoid stealing all the attention from Arty Zweary’s SURE...RICK'S LOOPED show, I attended its opening night at the SO HOT Gallery posing as an out-of-costume mime.

Zweary himself greeted me as I tried to slip in unnoticed. He was decked out head-to-toe in black. He even wore black-rimmed glasses, which prompted me to want to ask him if he wore the glasses when he shoots his videos. But a perceptive question like that could blow my cover, and tip him off that I was a reporter.

We in the press are getting fed up with all the ass kissing we must endure at these types of events. It's especially bad, when they learn I'm from one of the most unimportant news sources in the nation, the D Pressing News. Besides, Zweary was being so gracious to everyone, I didn't want to see him crawl for a five-star review. Not that he would...but don't they all?

The gallery presentation was not difficult to navigate, as some. I caught on real quick to the basic idea, which is to walk in and look at stuff.

They were offering beer and wine, and it was a pity I can't mix alcohol with the brain stabilizing medications already fighting each other in my bloodstream. A guy near the bar was rearranging pieces of candy cane in his stringy beard, like a cross-eyed monkey playing with its body lice. He caught me staring at him, and felt compelled to tell me the art on exhibit was "Zwearickian.”

How was I supposed to deal with that information? The bearded guy asked me if I could “see the face of Dali” in his whiskers. I decided to drink heavily, act as if I majored in Zwearickian art, and hope I didn't run into anyone who actually did.

On to the art!

The exhibit features what appear to be three flat, abstract paintings in which the images move! Some of it is from a foreign country, a place noted for manufacturing neckties, but I don't think it was Italy.

There is a humongous morphing rectangle titled “PANSY i AM” (more on that later) projected onto a white wall, and a couple smaller rectangles on High Def screens set upon white pedestals that you have to walk across the room to see. But, here's the thing, you think there's only one of them. You walk over to it, and when you get there a few sidesteps to the right take you to the other one.

There's a window behind the second High Def screen. I thought it was a third video screen, and watched it for about twenty minutes, until an attractive woman—she had a tattoo of President Nixon and Henry Kissinger kneeling in prayer on her left shoulder—set her beer on the window's ledge. Glad she distracted me, though. I was about to suggest that gallery management adjustment the dpi on a window! (I would have made a fool of myself.)

There are also dozens of smaller squares placed at various locations on all the walls. The images on these squares don't move, and they look a lot like they came from the abstract video stuff. I’d bet on it.

The humongous rectangle of moving images titled “PANSY i AM”, didn't make sense to me because, though many of the images where sort of flowery—some things also looked like beads—nothing about it made me think of violets. I overheard someone say a person named Norm videotaped the contents of six long-handled Siamese pans.

If you were like me, you'd be thinking “moo shu pork?” But you'd be wrong. They were cooking some Gaston-omical substance a man named Bruce assembled from glass fragments with a tong (misspelled Fong in the handout) in Vietnam (another typo in the brochure: they misspelled the country's abbreviation, Naam instead of Nam). Frankly, Zweary deserved a higher level of attention to the promotional material for his show. Spell check won't catch everything.

Zweary used Norm's images to make six different ties that he looped together, which, to my disappointment, were not on display. But I understood why. Only one patron in the crowd was wearing a tie, and it had a fish painted on it. Ties must not be fashionable now. (I mean, who wears ties anymore?--and with a fish.)

PANSY had a soundtrack that I couldn't hear clearly over the noisy crowd, but from the sound of all the glasses clanging, I'd say they recorded live at a party where they cooked the glass Bruce stirred with his tong.

Remember that first, smaller rectangle I mentioned? The one on a pedestal you walk to before you realize there's another one a few sidesteps away? It's called DEAD LINE, and it's a mind blower. The artist found a foot and reattached it to somebody. He admits it made the person “dramatically deformed,” but it still works as well as the day he found it. (You have to wonder. It had to be fresh when he found it.) But it fooled me because it didn't look anything like a foot, especially one that was still alive. I think the artist used all the blood to disguise it. It looked more like what the video title suggested it was, a DEAD LINE. Brilliant!

The square pictures on the wall next to DEAD LINE looked like shots from the operating room where the foot was re-attached. If you didn't know about the foot, you'd never guess they were medically related pictures. That sidestep to the right to get to the next video is almost automatic after a few unsettling moments with DEAD (foot) LINE.

The next piece is ambiguously named, ALL ABOUT SHELL TOURS. If they had mounted it on the ceiling and you were to lie on the floor and stare up at it, you'd think an old city is falling from the sky. Hell, man, you'd say, let’s get out of here and take a shell tour! I'm sure there were logistical impediments that prevented them from presenting the work that way. In fact, I overheard Zweary say the work was being “re-presented”. So, it might have been up there at first, and maybe the monitor kept falling down.

Zweary constructed ALL ABOUT SHELL TOURS from outtakes he found from the recently released Spielberg blockbuster film, SUPER 8. The video is an experiment in altering time to achieve depth, and it succeeds, perhaps even more than the artist intended. After about a minute watching this video, I felt like I was being sucker-punched by one of those boxing gloves on an extender that pops out and BAM! smacks you in the face. It was intense. But I readily admit that it was my favorite piece of art, despite the additional expense for the Ibuprofen I was eating for days later.

On the wall opposite ALL ABOUT SHELL TOURS, were nine of those smaller square pictures, and they remarkably reproduced what the video looks like inside your head after a few minutes of letting those pictures punch your frontal lobe. A lot of color explosions and swirly images that recall the circle of stars around a cartoon character's head after it's been zonked with a hammer. This is no small achievement.

Again, the artist demonstrates a mastery of representing in static what he achieves dynamically in the video. Let's face it, the guy's pretty smart. It’s been days, and I’m still trying to guess what “all about shell tours” is. I could Google it, but that’d take the fun out of it. Maybe it’s a day trip to one of the nation's coasts.

I would have liked to stay at the SURE...RICK'S LOOPED show longer, but I had to begin preparing for my next therapy session, and I only had twenty hours to wash my drool bucket.

I never found out who the hell Rick is, and why it's supposed to be obvious that he's drunk. I mean, wouldn't you have to know the guy to know he always gets hammered?

But I plan to return because the show is running from 11-4 pm from Jan. 6 through Jan. 19, Tuesdays through Saturdays, and with the artist from 6-9 pm during the first week of the show.

They're also doing a special screening of more Zwearikian (there's that word again) videos Thursday night (1-12-12) at 7 pm, free and open to the public. I plan to attend, if my psychiatrist permits me.

U.S. to Question Living Dead

2011-05-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

By D Pressing News Ace Reporter, Andy Ashling.

"Pakistan may let U.S. investigators question the three individuals claiming to be wives of Osama bin Laden," said a U.S. official.

"This is a highly sensitive matter," said an official close to the investigation. "These are not what we normally think of as 'women'. Think about it."

Interviewing the so called Brides of bin-Ladenstein, or Womenoids, could begin to stabilize relations between the U.S. and Pakistan, relations that have been strained by the two kill shots the al Qaeda leader recently decided to accept from his Seal Team VI escort.

A Pakistani government official denied giving the U.S. permission to uncouple electrodes from the necks of the wives, saying local investigators had yet to figure out what, "...this strange and perplexing thing you call electricity" is.

"It's too early to even think about it," said the official, referring to the U.S. request to allow their top investigator, Igor Dowager (a.k.a. What Hump?), to question the Womenoids.

Pakistan says the three wives, one from Yemen, one from Saudi Arabia, and one from Beverly Hills, California, and several organic substances thought to be their offspring, will be repatriated.

Pakistan was making contacts with their countries. So far the only response has been from Legal Zoom's attempts to provide counsel for the California bride in her alleged suit against eHarmony.

Andy Ashling Takes The Helm at D Pressing News

2011-04-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

Writer Andy Ashling (The Sex Life of Andy Ashling coming soon) has taken over as Editor of the D Pressing News. He's always been running it anyway. Andy's been behind the scenes from the zine's inception and it's about time he was recognized for the outstanding quality and intense insanity of his work. We have no pictures of Andy to post. Rest assured in the comfort of knowing that you are being spared a minor trauma. Andy is not what you'd call a classic looker. But, not to disappoint you, here's a picture and Andy suggested because, as he said, people need an image. It's one of Andy's favorites, a Hans Bellmer.

(Psst! We tried to stop Andy because this picture really borders on the obscene, but we're satisfied that it's the only pic from Andy's personal Bellmer collection he said he'd ever share, and that's good because Bellmer's stuff really goes out there. This one is tame, trust us. Now, be quiet about it and please don't tell Andy we felt that way. BTW, he'll never see this because he doesn't look at this blog once he's approved the articles for publication, so we just do what we want anyway. He thought the article about Rangel was about Nixon. What a dolt!)

Democrat Rangel Guilty of Poor Story Pitch

2010-11-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Writer

Charles Rangel, one of the House's most powerful members, was found guilty of breaking the 12 commandments for screenwriting his Congressional film, FULL JACKET POCKETS. The 12 Commandments are:

1. The truth, if critical to the story, will always be in the subtext of your principle character's dialogue
2. Each scene will leave unanswered questions and will indicate they will be answered in a following scene
3. Unanswered questions from an earlier scene will never be fully answered, but will leave the audience believing they understand the narrative
4. Neither the antagonist or protagonist will reveal where he or she really gets his or her campaign contributions
5. None of the main characters who are Democrats will appear on Fox (MSNBC if they are Republicans)
6. The plot point that ends act one will reverse the fortunes of the party in power and the plot point ending act two will impart an impending dread until the climax
7. All main and secondary characters will kiss ugly babies regardless of who hands them one
8. The protagonist will eat nothing costing more than a bar hamburger, fries and a beer if they are on camera during a campaign in the film
9. Dramatic irony will result from all characters who are politicians acting like they are not a part of Washington even though they were sent there to work
10. No member of the three branches of government will ever claim they are making enough money to be in that top 5% threatened by suspension of the Bush tax cuts
11. Protagonists and Antagonists will each use the phrase, "What the American people want is..." at least once in each act and pretend they really know what they are talking about
12. If any of the main characters comes within at least 2000 miles of Iraq or Afghanistan, they can claim they've been there and know what's going on

The eight lawmakers on the subcommittee reached a unanimous verdict on all counts except # 7. "Rangel refused to kiss Sarah Palin's granddaughter," claimed one subcommittee member.

Rangel requested a delay in order to do a rewrite and pitch the story again, because he did not have his story line finished.

Rangel whined and complained about changes in dialogue that he thought weakened character arcs. He said he hopes the full Committee takes into account the power of his screenplay's inciting incident 3 pages in.

Rangel walked out of the trial when his denouement was rejected saying he would seek final cut and a distribution deal.

Meat Party Candidate Singer Pat Boon Launches Mail Order Meat-Like Food Business

2010-11-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Staff Writer

If you like steak but wish it were cheap and conservative, then Meat Partier and 1950s singer Pat Boon has a line of mail order meat food byproducts for you.

Boon, who launched the Beverly Hills Meat Party in November 2010, is taking his brand of Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/Tele-NeoConservatism to pretty much predictable places.

The D Pressing News reports that Boon partnered with Texas tycoon, B.J. "Billy Bob" Brahmabull-Ranchetto to launch "Pat Boon All-American Meat Food Byproducts," with the motto "if you pray, this almost tastes like meat!"

The site offers 25% all-American meat food byproducts of Filet McLigament, Ribeyeganglia Steakoids, New Jersey Stripper Pole Organ Residue, Topless Girloin, and T-T Boner and Whorehouse Butt. Prices range from $399 for three 8 oz. Topless Girloins to $899 for two 6 oz. Filet McLigaments, $799 for two 18 oz. T-T Boners, and more.

According to the site, 95% of the proceeds will go to Christian/Capitalist/Music Business/Acting/TeleNeoConservatist organizations that "do the right things needed in today's liberal, pagan, homoerotic, bestiality-infected, and just damned society."

The remaining royalties will go to Exquisitely Corpsed, a group that Boon started with the dead parents of child television actors" and "expects to appeal to nobody except women over 90."

You also have the option of joining the site's "Pat Boon All-American Potted Meat Food Spam and See Food Brigade" community, because "if you love a great-tasting tendon, lipid, and cow sphincter hot from the can, you're not alone. You're part of an extended community of mashed and chunked meat food byproduct lovers."

"I've been known as the Vanilla Man Milking Mankind for Money and a closeted homosexual for fifty years," Boon said. "Now, I'll probably be known as the Meat Food E. coli Buy Product Mass Milking Homophobe."

D Pressing News Archivist Becomes Obsessed with Chi Baggers

2010-11-10T21:31:00.001-08:00

Our Archivist continues to clean out the records here at your source for nonsense that makes sense.

HEADLINE: Cross-eyed man goes to 3-D Movie, Peers Into the Sixth Dimension, Sees Soupy Sales

HEADLINE: Filmmaker David Lynch Says "Balck Cfoefe Wtih Ice Ceram and Pie is Paehcy Keen"

HEADLINE: Shiites and Sunnis Put Aside Differences and Win "Best in Show" with New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog

HEADLINE: New Shiatsunnis Breed of Dog is Stripped of "Best in Show" Medal After Eating Second Place Miniature Chihuahua

HEADLINE: Chiahuahua Resuscitated on Reality Show Found Without Papers, Extradited to Mexico

HEADLINE: Taco Bell Fined for Rehiring Illegal Chiahuahua

HEADLINE: Chiahuahua Chokes to Death on Crispy Taco Shell, Mexican Government Suing Taco Bell for $1,000,000,000 Pesos

HEADLINE: Congress in Gridlock Over Mexican Lawsuit, Obama Administration Accused of Water Boarding Chiahuahua Terrorist

HEADLINE: People for the Ethical Treatment and Alliance of Chiahuahua Organizations
(PETACO) Demand Audience with Nancy Pelosi

HEADLINE: Chi Party Denounce Chiahuahua Death Panels and Announces Canine Candidate

HEADLINE: Glenn Beck Warns: Liberal Fascist Chi Party Communist Rally Funded by National Femi-Nazi Party Contributions Laundered Through Drug Addicted Gay Al-Qaeda Terrorist

HEADLINE: Keith Olberman Interviews Chi Party Candidate Juan Enchirito Who Denies Accepting Treats for Rolling Over for Republicans and Democrats

HEADLINE: Is Taco Bell Funding Chi Party Candidate Juan Enchirito?

HEADLINE: Hungry Chiahuahua-Obsessed Writer Leaves for D Pressing News Cafeteria to Eat Macho Chili Cheese and Bean Burrito, Then Open Window

From the Vaults of the D Pressing Archives

2010-11-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

In an effort to make room for more ideas, the staff at the D Pressing News has decided it's time to sweep out the archives. Below are news headlines that, for one reason or another, were never expanded into articles for our astute audiences. These stories were never checked out, so their veracity remains in question.

Readers seeking elaboration on any of the headlines may write in. Manpower shortages notwithstanding, our esteemed staff will make every possible effort to follow up on the stories.

HEADLINE: Hairy New York City Man Combs Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Ohio Man Soils Himself, Waters Himself, Grows Cauliflower Ears

HEADLINE: Zen Buddhist Admits There are no Rest Rooms in Nirvana

HEADLINE: 109 yr-old Woman Shocked to Discover that Yellow is a Word for a Color

HEADLINE: Woman with Ten Toes Invents Metric System

HEADLINE: Scientists Discover Big Foot, Sock, No Shoe

HEADLINE: With $5,000,000 Grant, Princeton Professor at Secret Underground Government Research Center Creates Round Football that Fits Through Basketball Hoop

HEADLINE: Sesame Street's Big Bird Decapitated While Parking Convertible In Carport With Low Ceiling

HEADLINE: Trailer Park in Kansas Splattered with Mashed Potatoes After Tornado Hits Dairy Farm Near Potato Field

HEADLINE: Woman with Foot in Mouth Marries Man with Tongue in Cheek and Gives Birth to Child with Sucks-its-Own-Toes Disease

HEADLINE: Republicans Join Democrats for Independent Tea Party at White House

HEADLINE: Fraternal Twins in Third World Country Adopt Angelina Joli

HEADLINE: Republican Husband and Democrat Wife Dehydrate While Making Love, Found Gridlocked in Bed

HEADLINE: Son of Dehydrated Parents Runs as Independent for Mayor of Hometown

HEADLINE: Sophomore at University of Cincinnati Invents Cold Sun

HEADLINE: University of Cincinnati Student Freezes to Death in Gymnasium Steam Room

HEADLINE: Boat Made of Diapers Sinks in Lake Michigan

HEADLINE: Cloistered Nun Makes Cross Out of Human Hair of Unknown Origin

HEADLINE: West Coast Surfer Eats Sponge, Swallows Kindle, Books Room Through Priceline Negotiator

HEADLINE: Babysitter Leaves Cheerios in Toaster and Sets Off Fire Alarm

HEADLINE: Nervous Burger Chef Finds Shoe in Happy Meal, Chokes on Sock

HEADLINE: Dyslexic Hotel Manager Flushes Lobby Toilet, Closes Lid, Sits, and Makes Mess, Then Refuses to Clean it Up

HEADLINE: Private Eye in California Closes Eyelid for More Privacy

HEADLINE: St. Louis Writer Publishes "NNoijd aoahj*&^akjhndf", in Language Only He Understands

HEADLINE: Brad Pitt to Play Ytnn*&-kL in Screen Adaptation of
"NNoijd aoahj*&&^akjhndf"

HEADLINE: Woman With Two Legs Enters Two-Legged Race, Wins by a Foot

HEADLINE: Dog Prevents Man From Committing Suicide, Man Shoots Dog

HEADLINE: Owner of Dead Dog Bites Suicidal Man in Leg

HEADLINE: Martin Scorsese's Eyebrow Metamorphoses Into Black Butterfly

HEADLINE: 102 yr.-old Man Realizes Word Poo Short for Poop

HEADLINE: Robbin Williams Takes Nap

HEADLINE: Bored Man in St. Louis Writes Bizarre Headlines for Newspaper that Exists Only in Head

HEADLINE: East Coast Man Unsuccessful Hunting Whales with Lawn Rake

HEADLINE: N-word calls N-word N-word

HEADLINE: Asian Woman Hungry After Watching Marlon Brando Crawl Across the Edge of a Straight Razor

HEADLINE: Asian Man Shaves with Straight Razor, Kills Marlon Brando

HEADLINE: Man With Two Arms High Fives Himself to Death

HEADLINE: Apocalypse Yesterday at 1:32 p.m. EST

HEADLINE: After removing a foot from a patient with two left feet, surgeons at Barnes Hospital realized they had attached a right foot not on the man's right leg, but on the patient's left leg. The error had gone unnoticed until the patient split himself apart when he attempted to run out of the hospital.

HEADLINE: St. Louis police investigating a hospital where an operation left a patient with a right foot on his left leg and a left foot on a right leg, discovered the surgeon who had botched the operation has five thumbs and three index fingers.

17 Police Inspectors Assigned to Guard Obama´s Shoes Shoot Each Other Over ObamaCare

2010-11-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Reporter

The first day of the Obama family outrageously expensive, extravagant, Mumbai-India tour was marred briefly when, for no reason other than to be hospitalized under ObamaCare, 17 policeman, costing American middle-class taxpayers $4,000,000,000 a day, "accidentally" shot each other outside the Taj Hotel.

Fortunately, the First African American Family was attending a private dinner of baby seal steak with salad and green soup made of newly minted $1,000 bills before spending Saturday night in the Taj's private Olympic-size swimming pool overflowing with gold coins.

Assistant Police Inspector Shooda Aimedbetter was rushed to nearby St. George Hospital after gnawing off his bleeding foot and tossing it to an untouchable floating in the Gangrene River. "Of course, he ate it. But, I thought he was dead," Shooda said.

The Obamas are in India November 6th, 2010 to sometime late January, 2013.

Mumbai: US taxpayers spend whopping $800 billion per hour on President Obama's Mumbai visit

2010-11-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

By D P Fleming, Senior Reporter

"U.S. President Barack Obama (seen in photo signing a check) will spend $800 billion on security, movies, steak, lobster, sushi, alcohol, snacks, toothpaste, and hookers," says Glenn or Glenda Beck, a top official of the Maharashtra Government who flew to Washington and is privy to the arrangements.

About 300,000 people including Secret Service agents, US government officials, journalists, the entire Children's Television Network, Disneyland, Sylvester Stallone, and James Woods will accompany the President. Several officials from the White House security agency have been in Mumbai for a week with helicopters, ships, high-end security instruments, chewing gum, submarines, aircraft carriers, the U.S. Marine Corps air wing, and a specialist in diverticulitis.

"US officials may not be allowed to carry weapons with the exception of deodorant. Although incompetent in security measures, the Mumbai state police will be piloting the Presidential convoy," said Rush Limplog on condition of anonymity.

Navy and Air Force will intensify patrolling along the Mumbai coastline and its airspace in search of corn dog vendors said to accompany Obama. As a sign of arrogance, the city's airspace will be fogged with burning oil before the President's arrival.

The area from Hotel Taj, where Obama and his wife Michelle will try the country's newest flying carpets, to a Shikra helipad in Colaba will be cordoned off and covered with swan feathers so the U.S. President can feather role naked during his afternoon meditation, a habit for which he is renowned everywhere except in America.

Palin Tells Rahm Emanuel: "Ewe Lye"

2010-06-24T19:50:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Rahm Emanuel said that Joe Barton (R-Texas) typified the GOP "wide stance" when he apologized to BP for not providing a larger body of water in the Gulf of Mexico for the oil giant's spill. The comment was made on ABC's This is Week. Sarah Palin took umbrage, tweeting, "ROM, ewe lye."

"In case you forgot what Republican governance is like, added Emanuel, "Joe Barton reminded you." Palin posted, "ROM E Manule=dark skinned and missing his ring finger...gay?"

Barton called the $20 billion in damages BP will pay a "shakedown." "That´s not a political gaffe," Emanuel said, "those are prepared remarks."

Palin tweeted, "Come to my tea party, Rom, and I'll go shake you down on you. Whatcha think of that?"

Hot Air From BP Boardroom Destroys Nursery

2010-06-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

During yesterday's emergency board meeting, a BP executive stumbled upon a fiscally sound, face-saving "idea" to cover the company's losses in the Gulf. The hot air emitted from the exuberance in the room destroyed the employee daycare center 25 yards away. A BP spokesperson in Europe blamed Barack Obama.

BP Hires Cheney's Ethical Void

2010-06-12T10:23:00.001-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

BP has hired Dick Cheney's missing ethics to serve as the new "head of misleading U.S. media" as the company deals with the PR disaster of oil spillage in the Gulf. In 2001, Cheney's repugnant ethics moved to a job in public affairs at the White House and have operated in secrecy, except for a few moments during the build up the the invasion of Iraq and the development of water-boarding techniques.

It its previous job, the missing ethics were defending the administration's covert meetings with energy flacks, even as courts were telling the White House to turn over Cheney's ethics along with his attitude: The Bush administration response was swift "We are ready to defend Dick's lack of ethical standards in court. This goes to the heart of the presidency and to "the decider's" ability to make routine serious, unethical decisions detrimental to the public's welfare and safety."

All that is known about the former vice president's lack of ethical standards is that, since the standards that are lacking, they do not exist and; therefore, are difficult to find and rehabilitate.

BP also had contracted with Cheney's hostile nature for crisis management following the spill. Cheney's hostile nature will "focus on high stakes communications involving unilateral threats to Gulf coast inhabitants and a new sport called "oily sea creature bludgeoning" with global corporate clients."

Helen Thomas Ends 109-Year Journalism Career Amid Controversy Over Bacon

2010-06-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Helen Thomas, who has covered the White House since Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president, has retired abruptly from Hearst Newspapers amid controversy over recent comments she made about the separation of Kevin Bacon.

Thomas made her views on the Kevin Bacon paradigm which relates his proximity to other actors. “Whoever came up with the idea should get the hell out of Palestine", said the ancient journalist. “The paradigm only came into existence because the phrase ‘six degrees of Kevin Bacon’ SOUNDS like six degrees of separation. It isn't kosher either,“ she wrote in a telegraph which had to be scanned into an email in order to be accessed. She’s been condemned by Mr. Bacon whose career is becoming more dependent on the name recognition associated with the phrase.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said Thomas’ comments were "offensive and reprehensible." Thomas had built her career asking tough, unflinching questions of presidents regardless of whether they or anyone else was listening, or even in the room at the time.

Bland Paul Draws Fire for Civil Whites Act Views

2010-05-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Bland Paul (center photo) the Republican Senatorial nominee from Kentucky and son of Rep. Ran Emanuepaul, led a GOP conspiracy and was launched to success by the Me Party. Now he´s under fire for views some say make him someone who enhances any friendly gathering he attends by leaving it.

In two separate interviews, Paul said that while he is "not in favor of discrimination on any farm," he disagrees with a provision in the Civil Whites Act that made it a crime for businesses to discriminate against people because they race, i.e. NASCAR members.

Paul said it´s a philosophical difference: He does not believe in the federal government regulating the operation of a privately-owned discrimination business. "Does the bigoted, racist owner of the establishment that discriminates against drivers own his discriminatory practices?" Paul asked. "Or does the government move more toupees into Afghanistan to relieve the discomfort of soldiers whose synthetic helmet under-lament causes scalp itch? You tell me."

Bomb Training Camps in Stinkistan

2010-05-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Right after the failed Times Square bombing, the Pakistan Taliban claimed someone switched their vehicle with a Toyota.

New evidence now links Faisal Shahzad to the missing evolutionary link, Lucy. (Shahzad's real name, Fizzle Shat'hazzard, was changed at Ellis Island.)

ABC News reports Shahzad spent four days in Stinkistan at a Taliban training camp for fava bean chefs, known in Pakistan as les odeur méchante.

Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Adviser, John Brennan said, "Shahzad is closely allied with the secret Al Qaida hummus training camps. They cook together. They eat together. They fight over the facilities together. Their odor is almost indistinguishable."

Officials say Shahzad continued to provide information after being read his rights by a "virgin" named Miranda. However, Shahzad will be denied his 72 virgins in the afterlife. The terrorist is appealing for anything that shaves, has two legs, wears a regulation burka, and doesn't eat fava beans.

"Joe the Plunger" Officially "Joe the Floater"

2010-05-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

Emanuel "Joe the Plunger" Wurlitzer is now officially a cheerleader in the Republican Party. He dresses in costume and jumps and cheers at rallies.

One of two Lucas County, Ohio Republican Party committee cheerleaders, Mr. Wurlitzer has acquired a predilection for being suspended on the hand of his partner, "Billy the Neanderthal", high above his head, and wants to be called "Joe the Floater" going forward.

In official meetings, "Joe the Floater" will photocopy the party´s agenda, serve coffee and lead the county chairman in the pledge of allegiance if they can remember how it goes.

"Joe the Floater" is still a Tea Party hero and recently urged supporters in Cincinnati not to let "a bunch of liberal pansies" call him a girl. He asked members to join him shooting illegal immigrants over the weekend.

dAvId LyNcH animates a Moby tune

2010-05-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

Brought to you by the D Pressing News Film Festival.

Tommy Make Movie - Next One Gooder

2010-04-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The recently formed delusional D Pressing News Film Series, in association with its own mental image, presents the most important, groundbreaking cinematic experience since 60-Minutes, legendary movie maker Tommy Wiseowl's He Boom.

He Boom is tragically a mesmerizing, shocking, intellectually emulating, quasi-American black and colored, unintentionally funny, love story made with passion, and filled with betrayal, lies, a kid who looks 30, a gun, Johnny, sex, Johnny's muscles, a partially nude girl, Johnny's butt, candles, and roses, in which the gun goes off and the protagonist dies (it's a surprise suicide).

He Boom stars thinker/writer/director/chuckler/get angrier, Tommy (the bird) Wiseowl, a man with money who made a movie. Tommy plays a guy in his own movie with a bunch of people who agreed to be in a movie for money, especially the chick who plays his future wife "you're tearing me apart" Lisa, who has to pretend to sleep with Tommy without laughing. She was paid over scale.

The film shows the relationships that have to be formed between semi-professional actors sacrificing their reputations by committing themselves to celluloid for money while asking "Can we really get out of this somehow with the money before the camera rolls?"

He Boom has been running through projectors and drawing flotsam off the street and into a movie house in Los Angeles and has arrived in St. Louis just in time to arrive in St. Louis. Don't miss seeing the screen it's projected on!

"Decidering Pointes" by Goegre W. Bush

2010-04-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Rather than a traditional autobiography, former President George W. Bush has written* a book, a "memtalwar" about the major thinking times in his life. The book, Decidering Pointes will be reviewed as soon as the finger paintings dry and certain lines are redrawn to specific numbers.

KidDoodle Publishers said: "... he has spent almost every day drawing Decidering Pointes, a strikingly subjective and almost understandable account revealing why he became president instead of a crossing guard and how he turned an oil company bankruptcy into an inconsequential presidency."

The book will sell for $59.99 with a limited number of signed copies with original coloring within the lines, and connect the dots pictures of "camping and stuff", in cloth-bound copies.

* written defined as "...havin' a few beers with this writer-guy who wrote stuff I said and stuff." -- GWB.

Tea Party: No Longer for Dummies and Racists

2010-04-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

A recent New York Times poll of Tea Party supporters indicates that the majority of them are more intelligent and educated, wealthier, spiritually superior, healthier, and better looking than the general public.

Tea Party members oppose Obama's policies on the indisputable, self-evident, universally-recognized, absolute and God-certified truth that they aren't wrong. Contrary to the notion that they are racists, they smarty-pants-ists.

Unlike the public, 99% are concerned a family member will become unpatriotic or a republican, democrat or other dangerous thinker such as communist, fascist, tennis pro, hair stylist, or nail technician's assistant. Over 89% say the recession has caused them major hardships with math.

They feel apathy among voters has led to the current trouble in America, and plan to "git that thing called pathy and shoot it when we find it."

Most feel that Sarah Palin is as good as Oprah Winfrey any old day, and blame Congress for Bill Maher not the Bush Administration or David Letterman.

Iran Announced "You Damn Right We Have Mastered NaCl Technology!"

2010-04-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Friday, President Ma-mood?I'm-mad-at-dinner-god of Iran announced that Iran has advanced its Sodium Chloride technology, during his speech celebrating National Salt Day.

During his speech chants of "Breath to America" and "God is Pretty Cool Considering the Virgins and All" could be heard coming from the crowd.

"Iranian scientists have fully mastered sodium and chloride technology, taking giant steps, moving with big shoes at full pace," said Iran's President Ma-mood?I'm-mad-at-dinner-god. "Watch out America and your Jewish friends!"

HERDing Gnats Gives Midwest "S/Hemales Done Bang Rocks"

2010-03-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

On Sunday March 28, 2010, HERDing GNats, in collaboration with the newly established D Pressing News Film Series, presented S/Hemales Done Bang Rocks—a new multi-media work by artist Arty Zweary. The event was held at the prestigious Win Fred's Whore Auditorium for admission prices of $8.00 regular, $3.95 seniors, $3.99 students. This reporter obtained a free pass by stripping off his clothes and attending nude.

Working on avant guarde films that exploit cabbage, Arty Zweary's work has shown locally on a TV set in East St. Louis, on a shoe sole near Tower Grove Park, and on an iPOD in the vicinity of University City's Loop area. Zwearian art is known internationally as "stuff that sucks".

S/Hemales Done Bang Rocks, was a multimedia event that featured someone's fingernails, dancers smoking broad-leafed weeds, and three-legged Ninja field mice in raincoats made from chicken beaks. Additional collaborators included dancer Trashy Fate, karate vegetarian master cook Banana PlumPudding, musician T-Bone Fishnet, and an ensemble playing ethnic music from the Area 51 airplane hangars in Nevada. The ensemble was led by legendary crosscut saw and biscuit player Rippy Heehaw.

Zweary showed a total of 5 videos: Medication on Morphine; Pansy-I-am; Blew Queer; Ballad Pee Mile*, and White What? (* indicates North American premier screening) .

Pansy-I-am will receive its world premier on February 31, 2010 at the BP gas station at Grand and highway 40. This reporter has been contracted to appear nude and unconscious at the event.

Conceptually, S/Hemales Done Bang Rocks arose from Zweary's quest to connect the art of two very famous artists: Pop artist Andy Warhol and Thomas Kinkade (MASTER OF LITE). On a 3-day journey to his basement, Zweary searched his laundry room for posters of Kincadian and Warholian works for a video he was creating, entitled White What?

Over the course of his 72-hour travels, Zweary sent three text messages to friends on the second floor of his home. The messages documented his round trip journey from a light switch to his liquor cabinet. These text messages were used as a 10-second narratives, read by Zweary, that interrupted the films in a very gone way, Daddy-O.

In Zweary’s words, “My videos were born when I finally succumbed to the glitches in my camcorder very early in 2010. At that time I could see musical possibilities by mixing editing errors caused by my sticky keyboard and hiccups from spicy food during Windows XP crashes. I also see single-framed dead people in my dreams."

To open the show, musician Rippy Heehaw cut stale biscuits with his crosscut saw synchronized with three parking lot attendants banging flashlights on sacks of wet socks. Trashy Fate, funeral director of the "Dancing Corpse Company", and a recipient of the Grateful They're Dead Award, accompanied Medication on Morphine by lying on the floor and breathing. Dressed in a Snuggie blanket (as seen on TV!), Banana PlumPudding spread gallons of clotted cream on herself as the film Pansy-I-Am's images were displayed on it. (This reporter slipped on some cream clots and jammed a pencil in his ...but I digress.)

Finally, local multi-instrumentalist T-Bone Fishnet slowly poured Schlafly's beer from a magnum bottle into a tub of orange Jell-O from a height of ten feet during the screening of Ballad Pee Mile. The orange-peely flavor of the beer made it difficult, but not impossible, for this reporter to get hammered and ignore remarks about the size of his genitalia.

Most enjoyed the special evening which included complimentary Cheese Whiz on nicotine flavored cardboard and plenty of Jell-O flavored beer. The evening raised STRANGE and WONDERFUL questions over the appropriateness of the admission price.

No rodents were harmed until after the show when they were attacked by gnats herded from the auditorium.

5 out of 4 stars!

TV Star Robert Culp Dies. Body Teleported Into Insane Writer

2010-03-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

TV star Robert Culp's body has been beamed into the body of Dennis Fleming, a mentally unbalanced reporter for the D Pressing News. Culp, a 79-year-old actor, suffered a fall near a Los Angeles park. He was rushed to a hospital in Hollywood where he was placed into a teleporter from the 1960s TV series, Star Trek, and then dissolved.

The actor appeared merged with Fleming's body seconds later.

Said Fleming, "Bob won't be lonely. He's in there with D Patrick & D & Dennis & DP & D-man & Denny & Andy Kaufman."

Culp was perhaps best known for starring opposite scene-stealing actor Bill Cosby in the I Spy TV series (NBC from 1965 to 1968). It was the first TV series to feature an African-American actor more talented than a Caucasian actor in a leading role.

Primarily a television star, Culp made a few motion pictures such as the popular, Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice & Vic & Barbara & Al & Rick & Rita & Delbert & Billy & John & Spot & Cynthia & Man o' War. His most recent film role was in The Pelican's Briefs in 1993.

In a statement to the D Pressing News, Fleming said, "Culp's last wish is to have the teleporter destroyed before William Shatner dies and is beamed in here. There's no room for two bad actors."

Majority of Republicans: Obama is an Evil "That Which Cannot be Named"

2010-03-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Yesterday's national Louis Harris poll finds that a majority of Republicans believe that President Obama had been hiding in Osama bin-Laden's beard since 2001, while 45 percent agree with the so-called "Birthday-smirthdayers" that the president is an evil "That Which Cannot be Named".

The poll shows how successful Obama's opponents have been in demonstrating their supporters' lack of intelligence.

According to the poll, 87 percent of Republicans believe that Barack Obama is a girl despite Obama's description of himself in his bestseller, "The Audacity of Hope", as a boy who grew up to be a man.

The poll found that 45 percent of Republicans, and 25 percent of overall Simeons, agree with the Birthday-smirthdayers that a "That Which Cannot be Named" is not eligible to be president."

Another eye-opening finding: 38 percent of Republicans agree that Obama is "doing many things Jesus did, but because he (Obama) is a 'That Which Cannot be Named' those good things become bad things."

And 24 percent of Republicans agree that Obama may be the antiChrist's brother "the antiFreeze" from the infamous Hellfinallyfrozeover.

The poll found that voters lacking a college education are much more likely to believe the 44th president is made of Fairy Dust and Superglue.

Texas Rep. Blasphemes Comedian 93

2010-03-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-TX) came forward today and admitted yelling during the House debate on the health care bill last night.

In his CYA statement, Neugeubauer said that he meant to refer to Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich. as "a Phyllis Diller".

Neugebauer apologized to Mr. Stupak saying,"Last night in the heat and emotion of the debate, I called you a Phyllis Diller in reference to your attitude toward unborn children and its similarity to the freaky comedian's views on children and health care in general. I deeply regret that my actions were mistakenly interpreted as a direct reference to your disturbing and eerie physical resemblance to the aging comic."

D Pressing News has obtained a "House Strategy" document Rep. Neugebauer was reading at the time he yelled at Rep. Stupak. The comments, attributed to the comedian in question, were to be attributed to Mr. Stupak.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Rep. Neugebauer's office issued a statement this morning claiming that the congressman will stick to more appropriate Larry the Cable Guy fart jokes in the future.

Rush and Massa Dive

2010-03-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

After praising the effects of the deep exploratory Massa massages he received during a recent visit to Washington DC, radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, a conservative icon, said that if ex-Representative Eric Massa wants to throw on scuba gear and "go deeper" he's more than ready."

As it turns out, Mr. Massa has quit practicing that technique as well as his famous "snorkel and tickle" method of physical therapy in favor of a new two-man diving ball approach he will begin practicing this spring.

Mr. Limbaugh bought an advanced first-class ticket for an exclusive "cockpit seat" on the maiden voyage of the Massa's U.S.S. Sitzbath. First trip: Costa Rica.

Barney Fwank: Pawtisanship is Out of Contwol

2010-02-17T19:01:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

"In Congwess," says Massachusetts Rep. Barney Fwank, a Democrat, "as da pwimary ewections appwoach, da Democwats and Wepubwicans awe spwitting fawder apawt."

Congressman Fwank made the statements at a book-signing for his biography, Bawney Fwank: Da Stowy of Amewica's Only Weft-Handed, Qweer, Jewish Pwince (Hawd Hawdcova). "People talk wit each udda and agwee with each udder, but don't know why day agwee," said Fwank.

Fwank wants to change the Senate filibuster rules, and call them "fiwibusta wules". He said that he feels the House lost its way when he and Newt Gingrich broke up. "He scwewed da pooch and I was angwee wit him," said the senator. "I might just weave."

Color Wins in Massachusetts

2010-01-21T10:41:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter.

The fundamental color brown has won the Massachusetts special election for the Senate Seat formerly held by the late Ted Kennedy. The famous color, a well-known part of each American child's early education and mastered by most by Kindergarten, gained 52% of the vote, beating Democratic candidate Martha Coakley, a human being.

The win surprised many, as Massachusetts has long been considered a Democratic party stronghold for humans. The color brown was assisted by the number 41 and it´s gradual gains in preliminary polls led President Obama and Bill Clinton to make personal appearances in support of the homo sapien Coakley.

Because the democratic party lost the Massachusetts seat, they lose the super majority in the Senate, threatening the administration´s Healthcare reform plan. In its acceptance speech, the color brown pledged to oppose the plan by uniting other colors in the light spectrum beginning with red, white, and eventually persuading the elusive blue.

Detroit Airline Terrorism Plotter Was Dinner Guest in Bush White House

2010-01-07T21:35:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Hesaid Hewas A-Girl, one of the four gender uncertain plotters who attempted to blow a Northwest Airlines jet captain over Detroit on Christmas Day, was released from his job selling escalator shoes to Congressmen afraid to step into elevator shoes in November of 2007.

The Bush administration sent Hewas A-girl to be home schooled by Miss Minny Lee Dupree, a licensed person, at her mobile home park in St. Lake City, Utah. A-girl excelled at chewing newspaper for art class and was named "most likely to keep some of his teeth".

U.S. officials and al Qaeda propaganda tapes say that A-girl has since become the senior manager of the annual Toledo Yawning Festival.

Senator Robert Byrd Hanging In There

2010-01-06T12:05:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

Senator Robert Bryd of West Virgina was found strapped in a wheelchair and hanging from a highway billboard outside of Plains Georgia this morning. Byrd wore a sign that read, "Fly me to the moon and I will be forever voting on the health care plan."

Byrd, a U.S. Senator for 50 years, was hanging in front of another sign that read, "Plains, Georgia. Not the Home of Barack Obama."

The Secret Service lowered the 92-year-old senator from a height of thirty feet. He is recovering with a bowl of cream of wheat and warm water at his seat in the northern wing of the Capital. The Senator believed he had been on a flight to Miami.

Obama First Human to Break Moore's Law

2009-12-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

Click on Graph above.
By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

For over forty years, scientists have more or less relied on a prediction made by Gordon Moore, Intel co-founder. The concept, known as Moore's Law, predicted that computers would double in speed about every two years. But, new research shows that it is sure to be broken--by a human being.

In human terms, Moore's Law depends on brain power as measured by IQ, compassion, literacy, and competence, together called "mind", getting consistently more powerful. The law has been hypothetical, but according to new data, President Barack Obama's mind has exceeded a theoretical "mental limit".

According to physicist Max A. Celeration, "Obama's mind will reach the limit of human mind expansion sometime in the year 2016." Obama's mental capabilities will set a barrier for ordinary geniuses, much like the speed of light, an absolute. Physicists will have to measure the President's Ba-rocket, as it's being called, against a 186,000 miles-per-second reference standard. "It doesn't depend on the physiology of the brain or how it's nurtured," Celeration said "This phenomenon is an anomaly to all laws of nature and can change the course of human history."

Dr. Celeration is expected to submit a paper to Science magazine validating the new phenomenon known in mathematical terms as O = BTc2, or Obama = Barack Think-speed of light-squared.

Loretta Young

2009-12-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

By Unknown Staff Writer, D Pressing News

The "real news" has been so "depressing" that our senior staff writer has taken temporary leave and immersed himself in his childhood memories. The staff at D Pressing News cannot stop DP Fleming from watching the video below repeatedly while foaming at the mouth, drooling, and mumbling something about Howdy Doody. Apparently, Ms. Young was the writer's first childhood sweetheart. The first woman, besides his mother, with whom he fell in love. He's been able to communicate, with the use of a hand puppet, that he'll be back before the holidays are over, or until he finds a similar tribute to Brigitte Bardot.

Wacky Wavey Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man

2009-11-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

Direct from Al Harrington's Emporium and Warehouse in Wikipaw comes Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man. Press the button under the black video screen to the most incredible piece of video mastery this year. WWIAFTM is a tribute to Family Guy.

Scientists Find Internet On and Off Switch

2009-10-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Fook You and Dr. Chow Poon of Biobuy, bye,, Inc. in a Silicone plant Valley told the D Pressing News this morning they have found the Internet's on-off switch. The switch had been spliced into an extension chord that ran from an old, black and white GE television set, then to a Texas Instrument calculator wired into a phone line. “It’s labeled the information super highway,” said Dr. Poon, before slipping on dozens of wooden sticks scattered about the floor at the base of his workbench.

Like many scientific discoveries, the incredible archaeological find happened by accident. The scientists had been working under a 12-million-dollar government grant to create a new, solid, nicotine free, smokeless, tobacco free, cigarette oid.

The new ingenious hybrid cigarette known as, "a Stick", comes with a removable colored filter and its own snap on non-ash ashtray.

The scientists are hiding the Internet on-off switch and threaten to use the valuable fossil when they get fed up with You tube, Facebook, D Pressing News, and “…the rest of the bullshit the Internet has spun off in the last decade”.

Owners of Flying Saucers Think Obama Will Ban Sales

2009-10-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

According to a recent Gallup poll, fifty-six percent of flying saucer owners believe President Obama "will ban the sale of flying saucers in the United States while he is president." The poll's finding may explain reports of increased sales of flying saucers and six-year-old pilots.

New reports suggest that aluminum manufacturers simply cannot keep up with demand, while noting that the president has made no proposal to ban sales of flying saucers or an earlier prototype known as the Jiffy Pop.

Obama's only action to date has been to relax with his family and watch the new Blu-ray version of his favorite movie, "Men in Black".

In September, Obama signed a bill allowing flying saucers to be flown over national parks and deserts. However, the Gallup poll shows that most flying saucer owners believe the President wants to ban their aircraft sales.

Goldman Sucks Announces "Surprise" Profits and New Bonuses

2009-10-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter.

U.S. bank, Goldman Sucks surprised the House and Senate by posting third-quarter profits more than triple those in the same period last year.

G.S.A. received billions of dollars in government aid, and made a three-month profit of what they refer to as, a measly $3.03 billion. "That's chicken feed," said Mr. Goldman.

G.S.A. is pleased to announce they are setting aside $5.35 billion for embarrassingly small bonuses for their senior officers. In an official statement, Mr. Goldman complained that "...the little people are upset that companies are handing out bonuses during such a delicate economical period. I don't get it. They act like we owe them something!"

Conservatives Remove Jesus From Bible

2009-10-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

People at Conserva-pedia, a conservative Wikipedia-like website, are stripping the Christian Bible of its liberal bias by removing all evidence of Jesus the Christ and rewriting it from a neo-conservative or "right-thinking" perspective.

For example, Conserva-pedia feels that the famous passage, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," uttered as Jesus was supposedly being crucified, is a passage beloved by liberals that has no place in a proper conservative Bible. According to Conserva-pedia the passage is rightfully attributed to Mark Johnson, CEO of Rolling Rock Funeral services during a deep recession in Jerusalem in 30 A.D. The corrected quote will read, "The Democratic health-care plan incorporates death panels. These murder squads, designed to kill grandma, are aimed at preserving Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama's Socialist agenda for world domination, in order to discriminate against white people and housewives."

The Conservative version of the Bible will also omit Jesus' mother, Mary, for a family unfriendly pregnancy. Jesus' earthly stepfather, Joseph, will be deleted for fornication out of wedlock.

"A man named Jesus claiming to be the "Messiah" was, in fact, a Socialist," said a representative of Conserva-pedia. The organization claims the real Messiah is an ancestor of an as-yet-to-be-revealed talk radio and TV commentator.

Nation's Father: Birth Certificate Fake

2009-10-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Yesterday, Mr. Paper Machete, an expert in document forensics, filed a report that President George Washington's birth certificate known as a "Certificate That Verifies That This Man Was Born to be King of America" is fake. The document has been claimed to be authentic for over 200 years. Machete concluded that the nation's first president's certificate "has a photo".

The report was published in the Manangahela Wingnut, a magazine with idiotic cartoons that interfere with the text which is published in hieroglyphics.

The purported birth certificate was discovered by a Senator Mitch McConnell during a search for his ethics. The senator has been without ethical standards for years and in desperation began rooting behind White House bookshelves.

Since President Washington could not prove he was a natural born US citizen, he would not be eligible to be president.

McConnell called for a special prosecutor and session of Congress to address how the United States of America could be started over. The first witness to be called will be President Washington.

Neo Conservatives Flunk Obama's Address to School Kids

2009-09-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

PHOTO: Unidentified Mind Melder with President. Notice weapons disguised as books on shelves

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

President Obama's coming address to school children has been interpreted by most intelligent earthlings as follows: the president will ask children to stay in school and study and he will encourage them that anything they want to attain in life is possible.

However, validating the twenty-year trend that the political right is becoming primarily white, racist, paranoid and stupid, many who are educators, politicians, and parents have viewed an advance draft of the presidents address to grade schoolers and are interpreting it as follows:

Previous presidents have spoken to school children teaching them important things like urging them to keeps their seats in class and on buses, refrain from blaming each other for farting, and stop flicking boogers at Tara Ecklecamp.

President Obama, America's first racial president, intends to ask school children to stockpile plenty of ammo for their AK-47 assault weapons.

The White House has stated that the president intends to create an army of elementary school children to carry out his plan to storm neighborhoods across the country and destroy privately owned swing sets and jungle gyms. The master plan for this strategy is known to insiders as Obama's Brilliant Exceptional Youth Model Emotional Optimization Re-education Indoctrination Engineering, aka OBEYMEORDIE.

The program will force unsuspecting children into state run Gitmo-like "right-education play areas" where they will wear black hoods and be forced to undergo rubber band snaps to their hind ends, be threatened by pull-string talking Barneys, and acquire boo boos from splinters when sliding down wooden water slides.

GOP Suggests Democratic Party's Health Care Bill Could Deny Health Care to Republicans

2009-08-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

Source: news.yahoo.com
by Ben Reilly

The Republican National Committee has mailed a fund raising appeal signed by RNC Chairman Michael Steele in which it is suggested that under the Democratic health care reform bill, Republicans could be discriminated against for medical treatment.

A questionnaire in the mailing says the government could check voter registration cards, "prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system."

The questionnaire then asks, "Does this possibility concern you?" An RNC spokeswoman said that the question was "inartfully worded" but said that "the RNC doesn't try to scare people. We're just trying to get the facts out on health care."

Obama's Approval Increases as Support for 'Public Executions' Grows

2009-08-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

According to the latest pole taken by D Pressing News, support for the death panel component of President Obama's health care reform proposal has increased to a whopping 82%.

However, that is provided those coming before the panels consist of individuals caught on camera yelling and screaming at recent local town hall meetings.

Elderly senior citizens, also known as, Grandpaws and Grandmaws will be the first executed.

As a cost-saving measure, weapons confiscated from individuals attending town hall meetings will be used to mow down Grandpaw and Grandma in middle school yards across the nation.

Sarah Palin Gets 20 Cows, 40 Goats, Dogsled

2009-08-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

President Obama's aids are under control. They and fellow Democrats say that protests at town hall meetings are orchestrated by groups riding cows and goats provided by the health insurance industry's pro condom republican advocacy group (CRAP), the Republican Party's Milking the Middle Class, and a coalition of right-wing talk show hosts called whimper formed to improve their program ratings.

Obama said that the rumors include such bizarre ideas as one "that will promote euthanasia when in fact the program, Youth and Asia, is designed to improve math at the middle school level. Other rumors include a cut in Medicaid, which is actually designed to provide free medical Bandaids for the poor.

The biggest rumor yet, say Obama aids, is a government takeover of health care. This program to find healthy individuals to care about the government is nothing new and has been brought before Congress in various bills--beginning with Gov 101: Care About Uncle Sam?--since WWII.

In related news from our WGAF files, Sarah Palin's lawyer said she will be divorcing her husband Todd.

Sculpture of Dot in Circle Spurs Controversy

2009-07-27T21:58:00.001-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Teachers at a school for the blind in Shadetree Florida have voiced their ire after a sculpture of nude rodents made from the discarded sleeves of Michelle Obama's dresses was placed in Britney Spears' backyard next to her three-foot bong.

The sculpture is in view of a drug rehab facility for nuns and is deemed inappropriate for the stoned and drunk residents, confusing a sense of reality already balancing on the precipice of sanity under the influence of the Cartoon Network's Those Silly Saints.

The sculpture is called Journey to the Center of the Two Dimensional Representation of the Outline of an Object in Which the End of the Radius Rests on the Opposite Point From the Circumference. Critics refer to the work of art as "the dot in the circle".

The piece is meant to depict the historic 1984 journey of Ethiopian mold spores and Jewish cabbage rats through the Lincoln tunnel to Newark. It was sculpted by Itvil Makesense, who has courted controversy before with his works of two centimeter pink weevil tits.

New Tax on Caleefornia Pot

2009-07-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Under the tremendous stress of California's financial crisis, governor Arnold Schwarzenegger backslid into his former routine use of marijuana. The Governator asked the legislature Thursday to consider an excise tax on pot in an attempt to see a black-light at the end of the tunnel for beleaguered West Coast city and town budgets.

In an exclusive interview with D Pressing News, the governor of America's largest state budget lay on a large futon in his office, listening to a Grateful Dead CD and described the advantages of his idea.

"I think da whole cuntry shood consida dis idea, man. I'm tired of issuing I.O.U's to every dude ve owe money. I vas pondering da problem this morning and a lyric hit me like a...the singa vas...den Maria brought in some nachos and...I thought it vould be cool...you know...it vould be cool to pump up the state coffers."

With no other relief for the layoffs that have plagued California cities state assemblyman actor Jeff "The Dude" Bridges introduced a bill in Sacramento keep pot legalized. "Why not tax it? It's already was legal, isn't it?" said The Dude.

Secret CIA Program Investigated Dick Cheney's IQ

2009-07-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

On Friday, The House Intelligence Committee said it would investigate a secret program to determine if Dick Cheney withheld information about his IQ on his job application for vice president. Congress confirmed Cheney's suspected stupidity last month.

Despite a life of comfort and wealth, Cheney's mother lived mostly on rat entrails and snake venom that exposed her little Dick to antidotes during pregnancy.

Researchers found evidence that the vice president's erratic heartbeat and diet of bubonic rat antidote may have hampered his brain in utero.

The study focused on the VP's inability to smile symmetrically and recent changes in his physiology making him appear rodent-like.

Cheney scored forty points lower than President George W. Bush and other imbecilic control vermin in the study. Cheney's Officials claim that he merely obeyed his mother.

Tennessee: Shoot Them Sumbitches

2009-07-13T11:53:00.001-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The State of Tennessee changed it's gun laws this week. The new law allows gun owners, including those with mental disabilities, to carry their pistols in holsters and rifles slung over their shoulders.

Anyone can now carry a weapon into establishments anywhere and shoot anyone with few exceptions.

State legislators passed the law allowing mentally challenged individuals to openly carry and or fire guns indiscriminately into bars and restaurants. The one exemption, firing on individuals too drunk to stand on their own, will not prevent gun weilding idiots from purchasing alcohol or taking it by force from the horizontal bar flies.

Restaurant and Bar owners no longer have the option of placing a "no guns allowed" sign in their windows.

Some staunch defenders of Second Amendment rights feel that mixing guns and alcohol is a fundamental right of all citizens including idiots, morons, imbeciles, and dunderheads. A last-minute legal challenge is underway by a coalition of Tennessee people who disagree with the new law. The group of three, formerly of thousands, will meet in an undisclosed location next Tuesday.

Deep Flem II: Deeper Flem

2009-07-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

Governor Palin Transfers Ice and Annelids

2009-07-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Effective July 26, Alaska governor Sarah Palin will convert 151 trillion tons of dry ice into liquid water and transfer it to Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell.

Furthermore, Palin has returned 45 pounds of pulsating blobs of mutated annelids, known locally as worm muscle, to Joe-the-Plunger. Ms. Palin borrowed the gooey creatures and has been using them in her signature hair preparation Sarah's Spiffy Earth Essence.

With his new campaign slogan, "Tubes You Can See Through", Plunger will kick off his 2012 presidential bid with free samples of Sarah's worm gunk, which the governor had previously hidden in the city sewers of Wasilla Alaska.

Palin said in a news conference, "We know Joe's slimy tubificids will thrive, they already do on Fox News."

Palin made what she referred to as a "basketball" analogy saying "Balls, hoops, Alas-ka!" Asked for comment, Mr. Plunger responded, "I knew that."

WTF is that?

2009-06-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

Seriously, WTF is that? First in a series of extremely short clinically verified insane antics of D. Patrick Fleming.

Symbol

2009-06-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Missing Since Thursday, Governor Seen on "Naked Jumping Day"

2009-06-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Although his children wear clothes on their nude bodies, the Governor of the state of Mind ditched his family Thursday to go bungee jumping on Naked Jumping Day. Many jumpers celebrate the summer solstice by jumping au naturel.

The governor was missing for five days and was found Monday night by his staff running naked along the Appalachian Trail with a pair of high-powered binoculars.

D Pressing News obtained an exclusive interview with native Andrew A. Tickonbutt, 88, an extremely light skinned horse breeder from Hogfat, Pa., who started jumping naked 64 years ago. "There's no way to explain it. It's about gravity and loose skin. It's just kinda funny how things move around."

Jumpers who prefer clothes are angry. Bling Grodon, the eleventh man on the moon, said "I was the eleventh man on the moon."

Law enforcement authorities say they see so many ugly jumpers on Naked Jumping Day that they don't consider them naked.

Nutritionists Cut Washington Methane Gas Emissions

2009-06-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Congressional nutritionists have been able to reduce the amount of gas emissions representatives and senators produce simply by changing their diet. Political gassy bodily functions contribute to global warming.

The staff at the house and senate snack bars feed members fish containing high levels of Omega 3 fatty acids as well as truth, honesty, and frugal competence. Congress is responsible for 14% of US greenhouse gas production.

Burps from politicians are mostly to blame. Traditionally, congressmen feed each other bullshit and other types of malarkey besides the usual lies and innuendo.

Organization Upset Obama Killed Fly Not Human On National TV

2009-06-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

The group PSP (People with Skewed Priorities) pronounced pisspa, attacked President Barak Obama for killing an escaped trained circus flea during a recent interview for CNBC.

When the fly interrupted the interview by performing an aerial loop-de-loop while balancing a turban on its head, Obama commanded it to "Get the [expletive deleted] out of here." When the fly disobeyed the commander in chief's direct order, the president cleared a landing strip on his wrist and smashed the flea deader than a republican mosh pit.

PSP sent the president a 12-gauge Dick Cheney Special shotgun and a supply of shells with a card that reads, "Take a tip from the former vice president. Next time shoot the closest human."

Jews Can Now "Oyveygle"

2009-06-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish rabbis have unveiled a new kosher search engine, dubbed "Oyveygle". The popular search engine Google is restricted because users have been caught accessing images of mixed milk and female flesh, which the rabbis consider pornography.

Oyveygle filters sites selling forbidden items. "If you try to buy something on the Sabbath and you are male, the kosher search engine re-sheaths your shmeckle. Women are traif-slapped in the tuchis by some shmendrik, said Abe Cohen, inventor of the search engine.

bin Laden Uses Puppet to Criticize Obama

2009-06-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

"President Barack Obama is good looking and intelligent. This angers my close friends and devotees who are ugly, unless a bearded, brown, cauliflower face appeals to you, and kinda dumb considering their eagerness to blow themselves to pieces for "virgins."

This according to a videotape said to be from Osama bin Laden. The tape aired on al Jazeera TV's subsidiary station bin Poopin during Barack's recent visit to the Middle East.

U.S. counter terrorism official Ispy Forthecia believes the tape is authentic, adding, "there is a thing on a shovel, we think it's human, in a dress and wearing a diaper on his head. The voice echos like it's in a cave and the package the tape came in stinks. It's like every other Bin Laden tape." The al Qaeda leader criticized U.S. military actions in Pakistan saying "we will not give up our rocks and our sand, our caves and our bat quano."

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said there is more sand than rock in Pakistan and there is plenty of bat quano. "In the video, bin Laden rides on a shovel of bat quano and manipulates an al-Kermit the Sheik hand puppet to distract attention from Obama's attempts to reach out to the sane Muslim world," said Gibbs.

Stimulus Reduced: 600,000 Jobs Save 600,000 Jobs That Eliminate New 600,000 Jobs and additional 600,000 Jobs

2009-06-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

President Obama outlined hundreds of public works projects that will begin this summer, paid for by the $787 billion stimulus bill. The projects will create 600,000 jobs. The new jobs will save 600,000 temporary jobs that will eliminate the original 600,000 jobs as well as 600,000 jobs previously not slated for elimination.

Only a fraction of the stimulus has been spent thus far. The programs will have an anti-stimulus effect on the $787 billion stimulus package resulting in less stimulus money available.

Republicans support the bill, yet complain that it does not reduce the stimulus package enough.

Unemployment is at 9.4 percent, a level not seen since Ronald Reagan became employed in 1980.

Although unemployment rose less than expected last month, the public still does not know what it means.

Obama acknowledged that "we're still in the middle of two extremes. If we move in one direction, we're not in the middle. If one of the extremes moves toward or away from us, again, we're not in the middle. If both ends of the spectrum move the same distance in the same direction, we're in the middle."

Breakthrough Made in Potato Salad

2009-06-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Scientists at John Hopkins University have discovered that people who regularly eat potato salad develop a genetic neurological disorder that damages their ability to make informed decisions because the food attacks a protein normally found in yeasts but recently discovered in the heads of potato salad eaters.

"It's been a mystery why intelligent beings begin life as children then mentally deteriorate," said neuroscience professor Idaho Peel.

Peel determined that a mutant form of the protein polywannapeptidecracker causes an effect known as thatbanjoplayingkidinthemoviedeliverence syndrome and is found everywhere in human brain cells in clumps that resemble Richard Nixon's head. The anomaly suggests that the human mind may be preventing its own thoughts from reaching logical conclusions.

Cardboard Dick Cheney Frightening

2009-05-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming---D Pressing News Senior Reporter

The CIA has been secretly broadcasting a video feed of a cardboard cutout of former Vice President Dick Cheney to northern Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iran, and parts of Iraq. In the video, the life-size facsimile of the VP in his daughter's clothing wobbles slightly from a small electric fan behind it.
Embedded American born Iranian reporter Getm E. Outofhere claims to have witnessed the effects of the dummy Chaney on al-Qaeda terrorists. "It strikes fear in hearts of everyone over here. It has really worked and people shake at the sight of him," said Mr. Outofhere.

On his official website, www.waterboadingforfunandrecreation.com, Cheney noted the clever use of his image and was proud that his feminine side could be put to such good use. He hinted that he might load his 12-gauge shotgun and visit the countries in person to reinforce the message in the nude.

"We are happy that Cheney likes our sign and welcome him to come and visit us too," said CIA director Leon Panetta who spoke from Cheney's closet at a secret underground location.

Britain Announced First Ever Orthodontist

2009-05-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Britain has proudly unveiled its first orthodontist, 77-year-old Den Ture. Ture graduated from the Queen's Royal Academy of Dentition and Mandible Realignment. Previously, the British government had considered clean and properly aligned teeth to be expensive, unattractive, and unnecessary.

Ture, a former hog and ant farmer from Derby, excelled among his graduating class several of whom failed to complete the rigorous academic schedule. Among those who will repeat the final semester are England's first ever chef, an untidy German, a celibate Frenchman, and two wine-averse Italians who hate pasta.

So far, three British-born dentists have applied to the Academy, but none have been accepted. The first-ever British dentist was P. Ainful a house painter born in Sheffield who extracted teeth at gunpoint with a number two plaster spatula and bailing wire for three and six pence in 1990.

Lush Demands For Dittomankind

2009-05-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--Senior Reporter for D Pressing News*

Radio hot air balloon, Lush Blimpblog, is calling on the Republican National Committee to appeal to conservative airlines to reserve all first class seats for neoconservatives.

In an earlier proposition, Blimpblog suggested sidewalks and one way streets nationwide be reserved for the political extreme far right, or what he calls "ditto persons".

Robert Gibbs, President Obama's press secretary, was quick to address and mail an empty envelope to Mr. Blimpblog at his radio station at 1270 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY.

*D Pressing News is a wholly absorbed presence of ZenNewz, Corp. a Zen-based awareness of non-egocentric consciousness.

D Pressing News undergoes non-hostile absorption

2009-05-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

ZenNewz Corporation, a Zen-based presence of non-egocentric consciousness, has absorbed the D Pressing News, a clinically verified insane news reporting organization.

Under the alert awareness of ZenNewz, the D Pressing News will periodically report news in a manner determined to induce hallucinations or seizures while permitting it’s readers to unsubscribe, read, avoid, or delete it.

With no relevance to the past, and no anticipation of a future, ZenNewz, Corp. exists in a state of presence with its bare attention directed away from its ego and toward awareness of the now.

Subscriber concerns may be directed to: Letters to the editor, Gregor Dumass. Letters must be limited to 100 words or less. Please send emails by clicking this link Mr. Dumass or if your brower doesn't activate the link, send to theaimofart@charter.net

Under construction and coming soon: the ZenNewz webzite

Republicans Concede Democratic Party Smarter

2009-04-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Reporter

Republican National Committee member Ret Phartt says President Obama wants to "pull the U.S. out of the recession and make it fiscally sound while restructuring American society into a true democracy." Phartt and others in the RNC drafted a resolution to rename the Democratic Party "The Party that Makes Sense."

"The proposed resolution will require Democrats to come clean with the American people by renaming themselves The Party That Makes Sense," said Phartt. He compared the change to Walter Mondale's description of President Reagan's "Where's the Beef Buillion?" policies. Republicans known as Fleabooggers marched across the country and held signs supporting the name change.

Pfartt believes RNC chair Mike (Will) Steal will sit at a special committee meeting next month and say things that don't make sense and embarrass himself and the Party again. The GOP began calling Democrats "Sensible" after last election. Rep. Billy Saw Hurog said, "Currently only 17 Republicans in the House make any cents at all."

Somali pirates rescue bullets from Navy cabin boys

2009-04-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Somali pirates who surrendered themselves to American freighter Capt. Richard Phillips, said they made this traditional pirate maneuver in order to prevent the Capt. from switching their earrings to the "gay ear". They felt they had placed themselves in danger when a group of Navy Seals told them to "keep their buccaneers under their bucking hats".

Phillips held the pirates aboard a tiny lifeboat for five days before the pirate body odor factor approached 9.5 on a stinkola scale of 9. President Obama authorized bags of soap and towels curried by armed cabin boys who delivered the packages on the end of sniper rifles in order to keep from entering the "reek zone". Three pirates grew increasingly heated, and one of them scratched his pectoral muscle with the butt end of AK-47.

The commander of the nearby USS Bainbridge ordered the cabin boys to pull the triggers on the rifles to deliver the bags of toiletries more quickly. All three of the pirates were able to successfully catch bullets with their heads with a precision unprecedented in recorded Naval history. Phillips was said to be resting comfortably after a five course meal aboard Navy warship.

15 Percent of Americans Believe Obama From Another Planet

2009-04-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

A poll of 125,589 Americans conducted in February revealed that 15 percent think US president Barack Obama is an alien who operates from a temporary base on the dark side of the moon. His ability to communicate with peoples in all parts of our world and his thin "alien like" build, similar to the aliens realistically rendered in the Steven Spielberg movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", have led many to conclude Obama is not a homo sapien.

55 percent of Democrats and 46 percent of Republicans correctly identify that Obama is a human. 13 percent of Republicans and 8 percent of Democrats believed that he is an interplanetary being.

69 percent of respondents with an officially tested IQ below a grilled cheese sandwich incorrectly identified the president's species with 6 percent believing him to be capable of warp-speed travel. Thirty percent of white evangelicals say he is an alien and only 12 percent say he is human. Fifty eight percent believe he uses a high-speed Internet router with a fiber optic circuit to communicate to like beings in other galaxies in other time dimensions.

D Pressing News unequivocally supports the proposition that President Barack Obama is NOT from space.

Former CEO of AIG Blows Hole in Pants

2009-04-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A large anal explosion of unknown cause erupted from the lower dorsal posterior of Maurice Greenberg blowing a hole through his pants and coat and showering the room with $1,000 bills. The former head of AIG testified today at the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee hearing on "The Collapse and Federal Rescue of A.I.G. and What It Means for the U.S. Economy", or HOAGRCHOTCAFROAIGAWIMFTUSE (pronounced hoager chotca fro aiga wimf tuse) on Capitol Hill in Washington.

The explosion left a four-inch crater in the executive's trousers and millions of dollars on the floor around him. "Oops," commented Greenberg and he continued his testimony. Fortunately, no one was standing behind Greenberg at the time of the eruption so there were no casualties from the explosion, but many in attendance left the meeting with money to refinance their homes and college funds for their children.

Despite this unfortunate event, Greenberg remains convinced he managed AIG well and refused the $25 million dollar bonus offered him when he left the company.

Vice President's Daughter's Estranged Friend Enjoys Cotton Wads

2009-04-01T21:29:00.001-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A woman resembling Vice President Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley Biden's friend Vickey's nephew's aunt, was caught on video snorting the stuffing from a 20th century couch at a sleepover party in Delaware.

The owner of the tape, lawyer Dumass Lapdance, is trying to sell it for $98.99, however, no one gives a damn about the insane woman.

Ms. Biden's thrice removed friend appears on the video choking, claiming the wads of stuffing are too dry. The video shows her sucking wads of stuffing into her nose with a vacuum cleaner hose.

Ms. Biden was finally able to tell her friend Vicki's nephew's crazy aunt Rose to "stop it" after Ms. Biden removed Secret Service protection. "They refused to stop eating greasy fast food and constantly made stinky," she said.

People of Color Caused Financial Crisis

2009-03-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

A man wearing a baboon's anus tattooed to his face claims that chartreuse people with stereo hearing caused the world’s economic crisis. Dressed as a memory stick, Itsucksto B. Mee stood in front of an Ultimate Electronics store in Ballwin yesterday screaming at passing cars and shoppers.

"This crisis was caused by chartreuse people with 7.1 Dolby Surround hearing, who thought they didn't know nothing about everything and less about anything and now show they don't know nothing," Itsucksto said expressing his outrage during a high level financial meeting with a group of plastic bags and a shopping cart.

Old Mr. Booze Calls for the Halt of BOOBWROTPM

2009-03-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Old Bitter Booze, R-LA, introduced an amendment to H.R. 1586, the bill that would impose a 0.9% tax on any corporate executive bonus that exceeds $50 million.

The amendment calls for a halt of the BOOBWROTPM program (bunch of old bung weasels ripping off the public's money) which has handed out $780 billion in taxpayer funds to incompetent institutions that beg. Booze made the announcement at a recent meeting in a Louisiana tap room where he was hallucinating that he was preaching to the founding fathers.

Old Mr. Booze stated that if the Obama administration would bring forth a clear, fiscally responsible, fair, bipartisan plan, Republicans would be embarrassed again and say no. For now, the BOOBWROTPM plan should be ended, claimed Booze who also acknowledged Congress' wishes to continue President George W. Bush's precedent of throwing away taxpayer money.

Regular Guy responsible for AIG executive bonuses

2009-03-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Reg Ularguy, a senate chambers janitor, said that he was responsible for language that remained in the federal stimulus bill that honored previously existing contracts giving lucrative bonuses to executives of failing companies.

Initially, Ularguy confessed that his vacuum cleaner clogged while sucking up the post-it notes, burger wrappers, and discarded bipartisan bills he regularly finds ground into the chamber carpet. Reg ripped the document from the vacuum brushes and after reading it, felt the country would be better served if the bonuses were connected directly to the success of the company. He altered the document to reflect his opinion and placed it in the IN box for the senate's next business day.

"They laughed at it for almost an hour," said Ularguy. "I told my wife and neighbors about my ideas and every one of them said it made sense," said the janitor.

Ularguy told D Pressing News that in light of the present financial turmoil, the "grandfather clause" seemed like the "brown stuff from the south end of a northbound bull".

"When I was a kid, if we didn't have money, my Christmas presents were food and a warm house," Ularguy said.

Lawmakers are currently working on a way to seize Reg Ularguy and install him as AIG's CEO, provided enough bailout money exists to meet his salary demand of $35,000 annually and a possible $1,000 bonus when he brings the company into profitability.

US-China, Bad Fortune Cookie

2009-03-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Ever since Chinese patrol boats harassed a US surveillance ship south of Hainan Island, the United States has ceased importing lead tainted toys, rice, and eventually teensie weensie umbrellas served with Mai Tai cocktails in Tiki mugs.

"A final decision on the umbrellas is expected sometime this week," a US official said. "We might ban all of them. The teensie weensies, the itty bitties, and the little bitty ones."

A day after halting the cheap imports, the USS CHUNG KING destroyer accompanied another Chinese-built US naval vessel the ONEFROMCOLUMN-A, a ship armed with 100,000 tons of MSG and designed to track Asian fishing boats and force feed their occupants Moo Goo Gaipan until they hyperventilate, break out in a rash, or experience atrial fibrillation.

Ex-president is uh salted

2009-03-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

George W. Bush suffered skin rashes to his face, arms, and chest after falling into a pretzel salting machine at the Big Pretzel restaurant in Abilene, TX. The former president was busy pulling apart and engorging his third order of the Big P, a twenty pound man-sized dough wrap, when the mishap occurred.

"He leaned way too far over the counter to look into the dough bin and he coughed in it," said restaurant manager Sal Tine. "When I hollered at him, he slipped and fell into the saltolator."

Mr. Bush has been recuperating, wearing a special pretzel mishap mask designed especially for him. He uses the mask while lying in a hammock, sunning in his back yard, and binge drinking boiler makers.

St. Louis Makes List of Goofiest Cities

2009-03-06T23:22:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

A recent study by Spudling, Gomer, Goober, and Booger, Ink has ranked the city of St. Louis, MO as the 69th goofiest city in America. Burbank, CA came in at #2 with Hooterville, MI at #3, the town of Dick, FL #6, Fumbucker, LA at #9, Dingleberrie, OH at #12, Bung, CO at #18, and Goon, PA at #22.

The 100 cities which comprise the list were ranked based on the criteria: how often residents look at their shoes when walking, how popular is the wearing of chains for belts, and how many people are driving around with turn lights perpetually on (except when turning) or staying at traffic lights long after they turn green. Number of teeth per capita was a determining factor as well.

The study was commissioned by a bored man in Texas with a large sum of inherited oil revenue and no idea what to do with it. The last city on the list was Bumbf*ck Egypt, Arizona where the local sport of jumping naked in the town square on large cactus plants grown for the occasion is considered idiotic but necessary.

Impeached Governor's Hair Gets Six-Figure Deal

2009-03-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Former Illinois Governor Bod Bragojevich's hair, known to the media as "Brago" was tar and feathered after being removed from the former governor's head and arrested on federal charges of violating Title 21 of the Code of Federal Regulations: hair thickness statute. The clump of hair also claims it tried selling President Barack Obama's former US Senate seat to the President's children.

Bragojevich's hair landed a six-figure deal (that includes the decimal point) to write a book talking about its head and its opinion of its head while writing about itself and being paid over $1,000.00. The terms of the deal lay out the hair's right to include the governor's hand and footprints from his hospital birth records and original crayon drawings he made in elementary school.

Brago's hair hopes the book will help erase its owner's public image and replace it with the personality of a bubonic ferret.

Basketball Star Demands no Sesame Bun on Big Mac

2009-02-25T20:35:00.001-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

Olympic gold medalist Charles Barkley was sentenced to 10 minutes in jail after he plead guilty to 16 counts of playing basketball under the influence of aspirin. The massive basketball hero will be arrested two days after the day before yesterday.

A former NBA pro, Barkley will begin serving his sentence towards the end of next year. He will only have to serve 90 seconds in prison because he's rich.

The gentle giant was also fined $1.25 for following his ex-wife's second cousin's sister-in-law's stepbrother with the intent to keep following the man until his uncle's wife tells him to put his shoes on.

Golden Sucks Business Principles

2009-02-17T17:22:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

The following GS Business Principles are taken directly from the company's website and interpreted by D Pressing News fiscal management.

1 Our biggest and and wealthiest client's interests always come first. Our experience shows that if we kiss there butts, our own palms will be greased.

2 Our people are a-holes, we have an enormous amount of capital and our reputation, at least lately, sucks Salmonella. If our reputation suffers, we have enough money to not give a damn. Really. Our lawyers assure us that we can skirt around the laws and ethical principles that govern us. Our continued success depends upon our dedication to this standard--it's all about us.

3 We will provide shareholders with so much cash they will literally crap their pants, but hey, they can throw the $5,000 suits and $10,000 dresses away. We have to do this while turning a profit for ourselves which is easy, we simply create new pseudo fiscal schemes like our new public-private, sub-prime mortgage investment packages and interest market cap deposit-withdrawal loans that cash-out on fund-related stock option call futures tied to home mortgage principals. In turn, we keep our top executives by paying them so much money they would have to be a newt to go anywhere else.

4 The unprofessional lack of quality at Golden Sucks is second only to a crack dealer. Everything we do that is not directly related to the acquisition of sexual amounts of money simply is not done. We will kill someone for enough dough.

5 It doesn't take creativity to do what we do. Anyone with no ethical or moral standards can do it. We focus on the money, the money in our pockets. Government money will do just fine. We use it to cover the bonuses that keep our top talent happy. We take great pride in decreasing unemployment by putting the U.S. tax payer to work for us.

6 GS is dedicated to finding the greediest people for the right jobs. We're a trillion dollar company and we know the fundamental truth that greed spawns greed and money adsorbs to greedy people. Without them we are just another Ponzi scheme.

7 Diversity.

8 The Team. You're on it or you sit in the golden blood room until you've seen so much money you change your mind.

9 Our people are concerned with money and absolutely don't care about you personal issues. Talk to your shrink.

10 We are enormous, but we can act like we're small and pretend to be upset when we lose a few billion.

11 If fiscal strategies worldwide change, we will adapt in the most vicious, nasty, unforgiving way. It's what we do.

12 We won't tell anybody what you're doing with your money as long as you are loyal to us.

13 We treat our competitors fair until we learn who they are, then *^&%# them.

14 We got caught screwing our Burger King employees and giving huge tax payer bonuses to our execs. As a result, we're *^&%#ed.

$Googol Dollars Bailout Plan Announced

2009-02-11T18:56:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Reporter

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced today that a Federal Reserve economic assets killed plan (FREAK) that began as $200 billion dollars in the House, has been expanded to a $googol dollars (1 followed by 100 zeros).

An additional measly $500 quadrillion (a quadrillion is 1000 trillions) was ear-marked for public-private, sub-prime mortgage investment packages and interest market cap deposit-withdrawal loans that cash-out on fund-related stock option call futures.

Geithner said "Parts of our financial system, the source of the global turn down and the parts that once had money in them, are in the sh*tt*r. Instead of turning the recession around, the financial system is lying homeless in the gutter. We need to get that homeless financial system to a McDonald's in China."

All of this is on top of the existing $800 quintillion (a quintillion is 1000 quadrillions) bank deposit scheme, also known as TARP the Take Assets & Run Program. There is still no guarantee that all of the money can be put on a Capital One credit card without evil spacemen or cavemen stealing it.

"What's in your wallet?" asked the Treasury Secretary. "I need to borrow a few bucks for lunch."

Google Earth: Industry Vermin More Visible

2009-02-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Until today, spiders were visible on Google Earth as two-dimensional dark wriggly spots.

Google has worked for three months with Chief Entomologist Brownrecluse Hubble at the National Atmospheric Satellite and Peeking at Arachnids Administration NASPAA to develop the version of their Earth viewer that went live today.

When Google Earth was first developed, spiders existed as eight-legged creepy, crawly, things and were arbitrarily relegated to scrounging around in detritus or scarring the /*:(*! out of you in your home.

Now that many of the species have devolved into presidents, CEOs, and CFOs running major financial institutions that receive large government bailout packages, management at Google decided it was time to make their fiscal shenanigans more visible to all mankind.

Google hopes that the new viewing capability will help people become more aware of the whereabouts and activities of these industry vermin. D Pressing News pressed Mr. Hubble on the question of further partnering with the giant search engine. "We've done a terrific job with Arachnids. What next? Dandruff," said Hubble.

Iraq: Giant Ping Pong Paddle Honors Obama

2009-01-31T08:27:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Editor

Mohron gu-ntohead, owner of the only struggling sports gear market in Iraq, a man prone to suicidal tendencies, has commissioned a giant sand sculpture in honor of Barack Obama. The monument was unveiled during a quiet late evening ceremony in the sand lot behind the store.

The giant paddle was constructed out of rocks, bullet casings and sand. A common malleable, glue-like substance derived from goat nostrils was used to coat the edifice. It stands 2.5 feet and is 1 by 8 inches wide. Controversial artist, Juhst shahoot meh, sculpted the paddle in just 40 minutes thanks to help from the children who work in gu-ntohead's factory.

Mohron gu-ntohead believes the monument will inspire generations to play ping pong.

Obama Comment Causes Rust Blimpblog And Keiffer Ulbermeann To Merge

2009-01-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Radio host Rust Blimpblog scoffed at President Barack Obama’s warning to Republicans that they need to roll up their prayer rugs and stop chanting to the air-filled talk show host if they want to maintain their sanity.

“He is a great unifier,” Blimpblog told D Pressing News. “This man’s going to unify me with some left-wing wacko and usher in a new era of bi-body senselessness.”

D Pressing News has learned Obama told Democratic leaders to, "pull up your blue prayer rugs and stop chanting to pinstriped-ego Keiffer Ulbermeann if you want to maintain your sanity."

Obama’s comments came during a White House meeting to discuss his distribution of 1 trillion stimulation packages.

The president's comments united Blimpblog and Ulbermeann into a new politically unique and apparently insane Entity: the web-footed Rushkeith Limbolberbaugh (lim-bolber-baugh). After the two polar opposites merged into one, it plans to unveil its own bipartisan plan to for the size and fit of stimulation packages.

Limbolberbaugh said that it wants stimulators to be multi-use with rechargeable batteries, and come in all sizes, colors, and flavors.

Citigrope Laps Up Bailout Money

2009-01-26T18:36:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--Senior D Pressing News Flash Staff Writer

Citigrope, recent recipients of $45 billion of tax payer money, announced that they are buying a brand new $150 million-dollar indestructible safe and a $50 million French jet that seats 6 in stylish private booths. The plane also includes pole-dancer ground stabilizers under each wing.

The private "business suites" are furnished with their own bar, bed, $75,000 toilet, and private "maid/escort".

As part of the new fiscal responsibility program, Citigrope is also trying to sell two of its older jets built sometime back in the late 2008 era.

When asked to comment about the new purchase, Bill MeLater, head of Citigrope's purchasing department said "We have an obligation to guarantee the board that none of our executives will abandon ship, or plane if you like."

Doctors to Remove Remaining Goodness From Cheney's Buttocks

2009-01-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming---D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Monday, a team of doctors will attempt to remove the last remaining spark of goodness that had worked it's way from Vice President Dick Cheney's sneer and down to his left butt cheek.

The discovery was made on inauguration day. Cheney had felt a discomfort on his left butt cheek and loosened his belt to be more comfortable in his wheelchair. As the VP was lifted from the wheelchair to a limo, his trousers accidentally dropped and exposed his rear end.

No one but Ms. Cheney noticed the discontinuity in her husband's vileness. Onlookers were distracted in their amazement that the Vice President could stand on his head.

Doctors say that unless the goodness is removed, Cheney will continue to feel uncomfortable and may need psychological counseling to help him accept that he is not whole and completely evil.

If the operation is a success, doctors expect the Vice President to lead a normal, mean, vicious, nasty lifestyle and to continue to emulate his childhood movie hero, bank magnate, Henry F. Potter, in director Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life.

Kennedy Leaves State Dinner, Byrd Barfs

2009-01-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

By--DP Fleming, D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Food contamination at the inauguration lunch served in the Statuary Room in the Capitol quickly gave way to suspicions of a terrorist plot to poison Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and 91-yr-old Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Most in attendance were served food, but Kennedy and Byrd decided not to finish eating after smelling a pungent odor emanating from a newly-approved dish known as "broiled landfish".

Ever since PETA (people for the ethical treatment of animals) appealed to the USDA to designate fish as "sea kittens", TUCP (terrorists for the unethical consumption of pets) have persuaded some restaurants to cut costs by serving kittens, a delicacy they refer to as "landfish".

It was originally thought that Sen. Byrd had eaten over half his meal and was removed from the hall on a stretcher. The confusion stemmed from Byrd’s use of a barf bag, early departure from the table, and dash for the rest room.

Senator Kennedy simply rose from his seat and said he preferred hospital food to landfish and left the luncheon.

A D Pressing News senior reporter quickly obtained reactions from Kennedy’s colleagues in the Senate.

"I’m not a dietitian, but he did have what appeared to be a desire to eat better food,” Sen. Orrin Hatch told D Pressing News.

“He seemed to want something like a been burrito or a quarter pound hamburger,” Walter Mondale, former vice president under Jimmy Carter, told D Pressing News. “But I was just now told that he's eating a Subway sandwich and enjoying it.”

“He’ll be okay. The good news is he’s not going to be hungry,” Senator Chris Dodd told this reporter.

No one commented on Senator Byrd, surprised that he could sprint to the rest room and not expecting him to return anyway.

President Obama opened his address at the luncheon with an impromptu tribute to Kennedy.

“I passed him a plate of appetizers once and he bit into my finger,” he said. “Right now, part of me is with him.”

Supreme Court Rules Against Rules & Regulations Monitoring Rules & Regulations

2009-01-20T06:47:00.000-08:00

The US Supreme Court has finally decided that marijuana and other harmless but really cool drugs obtained through illegal searches may be used to execute defendants.

The highest court in the nation ruled against a rule which regulates a regulation that monitors a rule that requires evidence to be regulated and suppressed if it is obtained from a species of animal lower than a rhesus monkey, an otter, or from the scientifically unclassifiable, yet prevalent crack cocaine dealer.

By this ruling, the Court has rolled American law back to a time when, according to President Bush's core constituency, men rode woolly mammoths to prayer meetings and God charged a reasonable price to enter the zoo at the Garden of Eden.

Justice Ruth B. Ginsburg, citing many logical errors in the court's decision, took a hit on a bong and wrote "Dude, the most serious impact of the court’s decision will be on innocent people, man. People wrongfully arrested based on information from an otter or a...whatever, I lost my train of thought, oh yeah, some animals and shit. This is 4th amendment violations here. I mean, there were some chips and soda and a lighter around here someplace."

Scholars Certain History Will Be Kind to George W. Bush

2009-01-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

George W. Bush will leave office as one of the most admired presidents ever. He will be fondly remembered for his popular Iraq War and his awe inspiring economic boom.

Bush has had the longest streak of positive approval ratings in history, and historians believe that rating will not change with historical hindsight.

"We are fortunate to live to see the most popular president in American polling history," said Bill McIntirff, a pollster for the Democratic Party.

More than 92.4 percent of history professors judge Bush the greatest president in history, second only to Richard Nixon.

In a recent Pew Center poll, Americans were asked to sum up the Bush presidency in one word. The overwhelming response was "incredibly great and astonished by it."

Bush says he is proud of the immigration laws he initiated and saw through Congress and his insistence, from the beginning, of making employment opportunities for young Americans as troops in his popular Iraq war.

Bush Medal of Freedom “Not Funny”

2009-01-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Several leading logic organizations claimed that the decision by the Bush Administration to posthumously award the medal of freedom to deceased comedian Rodney Dangerfield is an affront to organizations dedicated to logic throughout the world.

A statement by the groups says “The comedian's humor, which includes such jokes as, 'I get no respect. My wife likes to talk during sex so she called me from a motel.' and 'My wife cut me down to once a month, but I don't care, she cut everybody else out completely.' are violations in logic and turn a blind eye to the freedom of millions of people who don't find the jokes funny,”.

In a drunken stupor, President Bush gave his reasons to award the honor. "Rodney gave me insight. For instance, Laura and I were happy for twenty years, then we met. I phoned her this morning and asked her if she remembered what I told her while we were making love last night and she said 'who is this?'."

In a meeting yesterday with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe, President Bush spit beer on Uribe's belly button when Bush pulled his pants off the Colombian chief executive's head. "He got all mad, so I said let's kiss and make up. He said okay and bent over. Hilarious," said the President.

Special D Pressing News Announcement

2009-01-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming, Senior Staff Writer, D Pressing News

Due to the current economic downturn, the D Pressing News is forced to make some cutbacks, or as we like to say--we're right-sizing. Rather than diminish the quality of this vital source of insane news, we are scaling back. However, there is a silver lining in this reorganization move.

From this date forward, we are eliminating all of our Staff Writers. That's the downer. The good news is the organization is promoting Staff Writer DP Fleming to Senior Staff Writer.

We here at D Pressing News are honored and privileged to promote a journalist who has shown time and time again a devotion, a diligence, and a depth of perspicacity for seeing beyond the layers of evidence, facts, and their corresponding truths and into the pure insanity of these critical life-altering events.

Congratulations DP from all of us at the "News". For your continued dedication, we present you with this valuable, stressed antique deletion device to cherish and pass on to your children and grandchildren for many years to come.

Continued good luck.

Sincerely,

DP Fleming

D Pressing News Senior Staff Writer

Palin Angry About Meanies

2009-01-10T10:07:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

During an interview with conservative eight-year-old Josh Breugenglochester, a 6th level World-of-War Craft Gnome, satirist and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin complained that News anchor Katie Couric and actress Tina Fey have been mean to her.

Tina Fey's famous impersonations of Ms. Palin made the governor look like Sarah Palin. And, during an interview with Katie Couric early in Mrs. Palin's campaign, the governor was caught off guard, spelled her own name Sahara Pthailin, and could not recall the state capitol of Alaska.

Mrs. Palin stuck out her tongue and went rogue, making statements about how the press treats Caroline Kennedy in her run for the Senate.

"She's like treated like a Kennedy, like she's so smart and like special or something. I don't like that kind of thing," said the Governor.

Sitting on the floor and slapping her thighs, Palin pooped and cried, "I'm treated more like a McCainedy and that's the old fart's fault." The governor had her diaper changed and was put to bed with no dinner.

Illinois House Votes To Execute Blagojevich With Near-Unanimous Vote

2009-01-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The Illinois House of Representatives voted to execute Gov. Rod Blagojevich. He will first be "softened" at a street carnival. Outraged citizens wishing to "pay and play" can purchase hackie sacks; then throw them at the governor until he cries.

Blagojevich, known to his friends as "an arrogant dick", has been accused of trying to sell the ultra-plush cushion that had been glued on Barack Obama's U.S. Senate seat to an Indian telemarketer named Patel.

The vote was 114-1. The single vote against the measure was registered by the House's mascot, Thowshitachew, an eleven-year-old foul-mouthed baboon and first cousin to the governor's wife. The governor has been Throwshitachew's limo driver as part of a therapy program to rectify anomalies in his sublimated ego.

In what some are calling a cruel joke, the impeachment document is to be stuffed into an empty toilet paper role, wrapped in a banana peal, and delivered by burro to the state Senate where it is expected to produce laughs at the Senate water cooler for decades.

A two-thirds Senate majority will be needed to convict and remove Blagojevich from his jogging sweats. To complete the execution, the governor will be sent on a hunting trip with Vice President Dick Cheney. Blagojevich will be replaced by a toupee, Dick Chaney's pacemaker, and a drum of styling gel.

Obama Limo Solid As Barack

2009-01-07T15:04:00.001-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The Secret Service is near completion on president-elect Obama's presidential vehicle, the Barackatank. A tricked out Cadillac, the "iron on wheels" has been called a 'a hunk of damn iron on wheels' as well as 'mostly iron, part wheels, part hunk'.

The massive motorcar has 3-ft. thick doors and missile-proof Plexiglas. Given it's extra armor and weight, it will be less maneuverable than a Grand piano and slower than a motorless hot dog cart.

Following the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson began the tradition of riding in bulletproof limos with his Ford Fairlane, the Nervous Nelly.

Previous limos were designed to hall ass and protect the President. The Barackatank is designed to withstand a prolonged nuclear attack, scores of scud missiles, rocks, and mud slung from the extreme right.

Obama Team May Redesign Space Shuttles

2009-01-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

The incoming Obama administration may scrap the replacement for the aging Space Shuttle. The Ares program may be set aside in favor of using mammoth helium balloons and giant slingshots to loft payloads into space.

These redesigned launching vehicles would make cheap replacements and save billions of dollars while still allowing manned flight capabilities," said Bling Gordon, the 6th man on the moon and first man on the moon with a toupee.

Properly fitted Flingonaughts and Spalloonmen would safely carry out the mission to reach: "...if not space, at least into the clouds," added the space flight veteran.

The last Space Shuttle flight is scheduled for 2009 when gasoline is expected to reach 8.99 per gallon. NASA had plans for permanent Moon based porta-potties by 2015 and a manned Mars mission to establish a McDonald's was to follow.

Richardson Withdraws, Cites Necessary Alien Inquiry

2009-01-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

Bill Richardson withdrew his bid to become commerce secretary because of an anal probe he received during a brief, yet close encounter on his way to Santa Fe last summer. Sources say Richardson is concerned he will be found insane and does not wish to embarrass president-elect Obama.

According to an unknown source claiming to be human, D Pressing News has learned that a New Mexico airport won a contract for a landing strip worth 15 million dollars.

Aides from both camps tell reporters that Richardson had been planning a trip to Umf, a previously unknown planet in our solar system, for some time now. Obama did not urge Richardson to make the interplanetary trip.

A company, Interplanetary Trips Inc. or IPT, and its CEO, Mr. Zonzptznzp Erntznarz Oopzabbl Mnztqnx Zisskl Ummll Umnm Enk Nz Q Junior, contributed large sums of money to Richardson's PACS, including one donation of 0.004 Umfian iqs or $74,000.00 USD.

The contribution was several months after IPT won the interplanetary contract. Richardson is the most prominent Hispanic in the DNC and now the galaxy.

Tubes of Fake Personality Recalled

2008-12-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Reporter

Retail giants Macy's and Neiman Marcus have announced a massive recall of SOCOOLIRULE, a fake personality product. The two stores have contacted both customers, Brandon and Gale, to let them know, and posted notices in all storefront windows to stay away from these guys.

SOCOOLIRULE was sold in 2008 as a product for dweebs and dorks. A spokesman for Neiman Marcus claims the product even works for a-holes.

"That sucks ass," said Brandon, when learning about the recall. "I'm a 75th level gnome," said Gale.

The product is supposed to enhance one's likeability and ward off shoves and razzies while giving the user confidence. Macy's says there is no harm in the fake SOCOOLIRULE, however, D Pressing News has since learned that items sold in the US last year were contaminated with a chemical found in doorstops that makes them brown.

Ahmadinejad's X-mas Message: Santa Opposes Warmongers, School-yard Bullies

2008-12-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

In a Christmas message broadcast on British public Channel 4 and instead of the Queen's Christmas clotted-cream message, the Iranian President claimed that Santa Claus would oppose terrorists, occupiers, and naughty children all the time.

"His problem is he is stuck way up on the north pole most of the year," said the Ahmadinejad.

The Iranian President (aka that crazy head of state with no power who talks like he's Tourette's-stupid) went on to say that Santa gave the teachings of the goat-elves to humans to keep mankind from imbibing "tea many martoonies" and engaging in horrendous acts of "fun".

"The teachings hold the answer to the question, 'What comes before birth, after birth, growth and aging, death, and after that stuff?'," said the nutjob.

"If Santa was flying all over the Earth 24/7 365, like he should, he would fight against the tyrannical policies of global economic going-out-of-business sales, especially if he wasn't imaginary," said Ahmadinejad.

Bush Pardons Self After Belch Then Revokes Pardon After Toot.

2008-12-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas Day, 2008
By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

George W. Bush belched during his Christmas dinner and pardoned himself. The President reversed his decision when leaks to the media led to widespread reports that he had issued a presidential toot immediately following the table-manner faux pas.

According to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Mrs. Bush served Texas style portions of longhorn strip steaks and baked potatoes with sour cream, which the President "wolfed down.” The food was not vetted by the Justice Department.

"Not sure, but I think it was the sour cream and beer," said the President.

Earlier this year, the President offered a donation of $150,000 to the NIH to study the effectiveness of an ancient Hindu dietary strategy for combating digestive problems, a method referred to in the Middle East as Uhafgoatwosqueezeyourbuttcheekstogether andnotlettheairout, or simply "holding it in.”

The President has had a difficult time learning the technique. “It just gets worse when I eat that spicy Indian food,” said Bush.

Cheney Wants To Water Board His Vice President

2008-12-24T10:35:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

In a Fox News interview Sunday, President Dick Cheney expressed an interest water boarding his Vice President George Bush for not capturing Osama bin Laden during the final few weeks of the Cheney administration.

President Cheney also questions whether bin Laden is still a tall man. Intelligence has indicated that by remaining so deeply hidden in a cave and surviving on bat guano and his own urine, bin Laden’s leathery skin and upturned nose may make it possible for the terrorist to move about Hollywood as an extra.

Chaney said that Vice President Bush tells him that he failed to capture the terrorist immediately after 9/11 because bin Laden used a unique and unanticipated tactic the administration referred to as “getting the f**k out of town”.

This subversive tactic has been used by al-Qaida network for years and only came to the attention of the United States after the land of the free mistakenly invaded Iraq instead of Iran.

“We got it wrong by one letter. So water-board me,” Cheney said.

Will VP Chainey Weather Prosecution Under New Administration?

2008-12-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

Senator Carl Levin's hair warned current U.S. Vice President Dick's Chainey the senate may water-board him under a new administration, following statements by Mr. Chainey which Levin's comb-over claims amount to the condoning the weather.

Chainey made statements earlier this week outlawing the use of umbrellas and galoshes as prophylactics against severe weather, a technique widely used by U.S. residents residing in climates prone to "bad weather".

Levin's hair recently stated that alleged weather abuses carried out under the outgoing administration in Washington D.C. were cause for concern and "cannot simply be attributed to the actions of streams and patterns acting on their own," said the few remaining strands of hair lying across the Michigan senator's head.

Glottis Outs "That Guy"

2008-12-19T07:06:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

An insider informant, known only as Inflamed Glottis has released documents to actor Robert Redford that a thirty-four-year-old man with no apparent connection to anyone of importance anywhere at anytime has avoided death in his home in California.

The man, secretly known as That Tall Guy, was called a Bung Weasel by trick-or-treaters and neighbors who hated him. Bung Weasel got on everybody's nerves by butting in on private conversations, continually complaining about his hair, and critiquing his own failed documentary that covered the nation's political upheaval during Presidential Nixon's abuse of power in 1974.

Bung Weasel suffered two bouts of eczema in recent years, and is also afflicted with Shitdisturber's disorder. His identity wasn't revealed until three days ago, when Weasel said simply "I'm the dude they call That Tall Guy," in an interview with a streetlamp.

That Tall Guy was widely derided by his neighbors as a buttinsky, yet lauded as a man who helped unravel corrupt supermarket coupon schemes designed to bring shoppers into the store by offering two-for-one discounts. He is currently struggling to reconcile his actions, wondering if he should keep his mouth shut and put on his pants.

One From Column A: Mysterious Tiny Watch

2008-12-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

By DP Fleming--D Pressing News Staff Writer

China: Archaeologists excavating a four-hundred-yard Ming dynasty noodle from a site known as the Tomb of Column A say they have discovered a wristwatch with the phrase 'They Kick Me Out of Buffet!' engraved on the back. The watch showed a time of 3:46 PM indicating the individual had been eating lunch for well over three hours.

The archaeologists are puzzled as to the origins of the timepiece as the site has been undisturbed since its creation four weeks ago.

"When we tried remove soil from around coffin, a human arm suddenry dropped out and hit ground like sack of rotten rice," said Jiang Diang Yoodle. "After removing covering soil and examining, we were shocked to see hand held pair of chopstick," said the archaeologist.

Iraqi Intellectual Hurls Soul at National Insult

2008-12-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

By D P Fleming—D Pressing News Staff Writer

President George W. Bush's secret visit to Iraq to plant a WMD has been marred by an incident involving a journalist who took off his shoes, slathered them with goat fat, cooked them over the residual heat of a recently-detonated IED, ate the heals (a delicacy in Iraq) then threw both shoes at the president. The president ducked five times.

The man, identified later as Mohammed Donaldbai Rumsfeldikai, tossed a traditional goodbye kiss to President Bush calling him "a dog lipstick sheath" then threw the greasy shoes and shouted "FYAY GUC DAY BAH!" an ancient Arab insult that translates 'fuck you and your 'go under cover Don, and you'll be a hero' promise. Then Rumsfeldikai invited the President to join him in a lunch of poisoned goat donuts fried in tank axle grease—a secret Iraqi recipe.

Mr. Bush jokingly replied that all he could report was that, "all three shoes were a size 12 WMD".

The majority of Arabs consider the President an insult.